This Week: Work out blog.

I ran the mile on the treadmill I’m 18 minutes with an incline at times.

And on abs & glutes day, I did 35 curls at 25 lbs.

The. I did 20 glute extensions at 40 lbs, the. 10 at 70.

I think I’m going to come on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings after work and mondays and fridays I will do abs & glutes, And Wednesdays I will do cardio.

If I keep it up, by winter I will have a six-pack!

So I will keep track of my exercises here and show if I’ve made any progress.

This is my body now:

Once I make gains, I will take more pictures. My room’s a fucking wreck, I know.

I Miss The Comfort In Being Sad.

I’m going into work today looking like a bajillion bucks. You wanna know why…?

Cause my boss is back. Lmao. He accepted my time sheet a few moments ago, so I know he’s there.

It’s not healthy to like my boss this much… whatever. He’s a PhD level chemist, who is fairly attractive. I will obviously have some kinda crush.

So I came in fairly early today because I knew I had to NMR. I actually should’ve rotovap per the top spot yesterday, but it’s cool. Of course there was two people in front of me for NMR.

The school really needs to try and get more machines. One in the Life Sciences building, one on the chem building.

I feel like there were two… but maybe I’m making that up.

The other day, I stole someone’s NMR time. They didn’t come in until like 15 minutes into their time anyway, but the girl was actually from the first lab I shadowed last fall.

That lab was horrible! The grad student I was working with ended up quitting, and he cried to me and said, if you want to be successful in your undergrad career, do not join this lab. Join the lab of a professor that publishes papers and is in the lab.

This prof literally was never in the lab. At all! He sold me on a false lie that I would be synthesizing insulin…

First of all, now I know that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I could, with my limited knowledge, not even having finished organic chemistry I, would be able to synthesize insulin.

It would take years!

An undergrad shouldn’t even be able to do a project like that! That’s a fucking pipe dream. its probably a dangerous reaction.

So my NMR, I keep getting the same result. I have one spot that’s a mixture, and one that’s completely clean and pure.

I’m not exactly sure why Max had me talk to shunshen about it like something went wrong… but I had to repurify my compound, and recombine. Now, I may be able to do the next part which is creating the anhydride.

I’m going to try and stay late today. I don’t really want to be home left on my own.

Ugh, I wasted this outfit cause idt he’s here. He probably has a hangover. Lmao. He did say that he’s never been drunk a day in his life, but I find that difficult to believe… he drinks a lot, almost like a college student.

My ass is still killing me.

so my top spot is on high vac for an hour. I kinda wanna reflux it today while max is gone so I can practice doing it without his help and impress him if he ever wants me to do it again.

I think I’ll do ab day today.

Lol I just saw Eric and we spoke in Russian. He seemed a little stand-offish. I’m not really sure why he’s being weird. I honestly don’t have any bad feelings toward him or care about our breakup anymore. I really think we could be friends, one day. He’s got a lot of underlying issues I think. There not that apparent at first glance, like mine (I wear my heart/emotions/issues on my sleeve) but after being around him for some time, I can see them like a neon bright sign.

I think his pension for letting things ruminate are the reasons for his issues. Like if he just had that face-to-face conversation with me last week like we planned, things would be better.

I think he obviously finds me attractive, and maybe he can’t look past that, and thus he believes we can’t be friends because of that.

I’m the type of nigga that can get over things rather quickly… obviously. But I just don’t think he is that type. Maybe. I don’t know.

I think he’s a good person and really cool.

We just broke up, so I’ll give him some time.

My blood sugar felt like it was dropping when I saw him actually, then after I got my food, I started shaking.

I was actually really nervous when I was talking to him. I don’t know why. There’s something there that needs to be spoken about. Or somethings that I really want to say to him. Face to face. I really don’t think we will ever have that conversation. It’s kinda sad, honestly.

Eh… I’m gonna give it time.

Ever since this occurred it’s like I lost all will to live. I’ve been seriously considering ways to take my life and not make it look like I did that.

I’m not saying that I’m going to kill myself because we broke up, that’s just crazy. But my faith in people has diminished. I was already depressed and anxious and how he treated me just pushed me over the fucking edge.

My ability to open myself up to another person will be affected because of this. Because of this, I feel like damaged goods.

I think if he decides to be friends with me again, I’ll feel better about it. But the fact that someone that got to know me pretty well could just throw me out like that, it makes me feel like I’m not worth anything to anyone that isn’t a family member.

I really should go back to therapy… but I honestly feel like the best therapy would be to talk to someone who cares about me. I just don’t think anyone does care about me.

That’s hyperbole. There are people that care about me, they are just not around me right now.

I’ve been numbing my pain in destructive ways. It’s unhealthy.

I feel like all I am is a pretty face and a hot body to these men. They are not willing to look past my downfalls, or at least work on them with me.

I’m not worth the extra effort to them. This is the main reason why I told myself that I wasn’t going to be hanging around people in Albany. And the fucking first opportunity I got, I went against that.

I just think that I’m attracted to the wrong people. I’m attracted to people who treat me like I’m not worth a damn, but are unwilling g to say sorry.

Omfg, you’re kidding… right? Wtf! He’s on the bus… too? I actually took the wrong bus and ended up at the mall, then got back on the right bus and yeah, he was there.

At least he said Hi first, I didn’t even notice him there. Maybe he is willing to be friends again who knows.

Whatever. I said Hi and insulted his dad shorts that he was wearing. I didn’t notice that he was wearing those before. Lmao. Horrible choice of dress. He really does not care about his appearance.

So my reaction is refluxing right now. I decided that I am going to go to the gym and come back after to take care of it.

I also have to come in tomorrow to put it in the -80 fridge. I need to make up for those two days i missed this week because of the conferences.

shunshen has really been helping me these past few days. He doesn’t speak the best English ever, but he is very nice, and very helpful.

Functional.

I’m a functional alcoholic and it’s beginning to take its toll on me.

The decisions I’ve been making lately have not been of sound mind. I’m actually scared that I won’t live too long like this.

In a weird way, I’d love to drop dead.

The only good thing I have is my body, and I’ve been using it to get whatever I want. I need to get it together. I need to get out of Albany. For one day. With someone. Idk…. and not drink.

I’m losing it.