I forget really quickly.

I already meeting weird men for beer downtown.

Fuck it, if I die… then I’m dead. Tell my mother and my father that I love them but that their daughter is a retarded slut who likes to drink beer with strange men.

Lmao. But seriously. I won’t get intoxicated, I don’t usually do that on the first date.

“Ain’t got no time to love a thot. Got lean all in my fucking sprite niggga”

I should not be this happy. Fuck my life. Lolz.

Lmfao. I love you so much Jake!!! You don’t understand!!!

Ok, so I went on a bumble date. Homeboy was very cute, just too handsy… and he really just wanted to sleep with me… so I had jake call me to say that there was an explosion in the lab, and that I needed to get there right away.

So the date dude drove me to the school. He would not stop touching me. He kept telling me how perfect my ass was and shit. God, it was annoying as fuck!

Finally, I got out of there. All thanks to Jacob. I love you bro. Seriously!

Jake and I are going to be really good friends, like the kind that can save me from bullshit like that. Honestly, when I think of it, he’s the only mother fucker that could’ve saved me without getting butthurt.

Lmfao. I’m dead.

now it’s like wtf do I do? I got a free beer… you know, Eric and I talked about this before. People going on dates for free food… if Jake saves me, I can get free food for the rest of the time I’m in Albany.

I need to stop! But lmfao. Seriously!

7 years ago, I hate to say this… but I remember this day. This was my brothers graduation day, and I couldn’t go to the graduation until I did some opioids.

So me and my stupid boyfriend did the opioids and walked to the graduation. I was proud of my brother, but I really wanted to die on this day.

I’m not taking these drugs now, obviously. I wouldn’t be able to function. But it’s crazy how much of a change I’ve made in this time. I don’t look very different… but emotionally, I’m better. I don’t feel like ruining my life anymore, putting shit up my nose. Nodding off to the point where I don’t even know who or where I am…

I’m just me now. But these memories kill me a little bit. Still. I’ll never forgive myself for them.

At least

At least Vaughn is nice and seems like he cares about me after 3 some odd years.

I know my personality is a lot for some men to deal with. I’m an alpha. I think that will cause my loneliness for a long time.

I’m good looking or whatever, this is why I’m hoping but I’m not hopeful that Eric and I will remain friends. I can easily forget everything, if I want.

It’s gross, we’re gonna have to see each other so that avoidance is impossible. Usually when I’m breaking up with someone, there’s a space that I will gladly have because I don’t have to be around you.

I’m gonna have to be around Eric, for at least the next year and a half. (Trust me, I will kill myself to graduate before he does.) I’m not optimistic that I will make it out of Albany without hanging myself. But I’m smart, and I have a lot to look forward to. I can get my PhD within the next seven years.

I just don’t want to get fucked by my mistakes. Cause I trust people too quickly even though something inside me told me not to. Yeah, I’m that idiot.

We decided we could be friends (honestly, I wouldn’t have any other friends if he didn’t want to remain friends), but I think he needs some time to not have feelings anymore… or something. I’m really not sure what.

I lost my feelings after this last week. I didn’t like being ignored and not talked to. He said I posed some red flags when I asked for Nick’s phone number. Lmao.

If I was going to fuck your friends, I would make sure you didn’t know about it. Obviously he knew it was a test.

I want to date, I just don’t think I can right now. I’m just getting old for these things to feel so good in the beginning but get so bad. I’m always attracted to the wrong men.

I can’t even say it was my fault, or his fault. It was a combination.

He wasn’t attentive enough for me to feel secure. I wasn’t sensitive enough to his feelings.

He called it a vicious cycle, but it wasn’t even that bad. We just had a few kinks. I really didn’t think it was that bad. Who knows, I just asked him what he thought.

I have this bad thing of not paying attention to the feelings of others. That’s my fault.

I know I fucked up pretty bad. We both did. But I still want to be there on his journey. I’d like to be able to call him Dr. (even though he hates that).

Whatever. I know I’m a good person, I just need someone to give me the chance to prove that. If not, I’ll be a loner forever. I don’t mind being seen but not heard.

I’m thinking of just killing myself with classes next semester. And hopefully I won’t have anymore goddamn days off from work! God, this is painful.

I don’t know why I’m so able to get people to run away from me so quickly. Maybe I’m too honest. I don’t know. I hope I can be happy in the future.

If I have a future. Maybe I should transfer. I’m going to look to transfer. It might be late, but who knows.

I need to get away.

My Town.

This is why I never want to go back. Just shit like this… this is what my town is. I knew this person actually.

When I made the decision to do something different and go back to school, it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have discovered chemistry. Or realized how much it “spoke” to me… challenged me. I would be that poor man who overdosed.

Montgomery is a shit-hole of a village. People stay there their whole lives, it’s crazy.

No matter what, I’m glad I’m going something different.