Fall 2018, I was taking physics lab in the morning. Horrible, but that’s the only time slot I fit into.

I see this dude walk up a minute or two before class starts with a red mug that read ‘Everyone needs more Canada’ (or something to that effect), hair wet holding a stack of papers.

This was a few labs in, so I was more comfortable with him. I said, something to the effect of I almost thought you forgot/overslept.

He says, “I just got off the bus”

I never wanted to ask him questions during lab because he always gave such question answers. He always answered my question with another one.

At some point I said, “he’s never gonna give me a clear answer… I’m just gonna figure it out”.

It was obvious he had a high level of knowledge on the topic. I started asking him for help, outside of lab.

I actually began to really understand that shit when he helped me. I got a fucking A in the class. (I guess a 79 on the final is a really good grade in Physics)

The last time I saw him in his office, I obviously started having a crush on him. Well, obvious when I would think “you are really fucking sexy” while he explained something on the fucking office whiteboard.

His eyes were the first things I was attracted to. They are a beautiful shade of blue.

I felt like he could teach me physics all day long. I decided that I would seek him out for physics II.

I didn’t even look at the schedule. I was there on a Tuesday to try and study with Jake

(who I’m so sorry I called dumb for a long time, I realized that he had a learning disability and that is not his fault. I can be a bitch during the semester when I’m pushing myself to get good grades. I’m gonna try to be better with that.)

And it was 1:00, I was actually going to go to the lab that day, just to be seen during the week because I really needed to study the rest of the week… he comes in.

Mohammed was explaining point charges and how to add vectors, and he says, “or Mohammed, show them how to do it in components. I’ll show them now if you want”. Mohammed wanted to show us components, so he finished.

He still came over to us after Mohammed was gone. He explained it again.

I looked right into his eyes and I was like, “I really want to fuck this guy. And he happens to be really smart. Goddamn!”

After that I came in a lot on Tuesday.

Sometimes, I would have to go to lab… but I was there mad Tuesdays toward the end. I was hoping he would notice.

I knew I had to do it.

Then, I see him on the bus. This hasn’t happened before, but we talked… and he sat next to me. We just had small talk. I asked him about himself… and he was cool.

I could’ve asked then…but I really thought about everything. There were dynamics… but they weren’t really dynamics anymore.

We were just some fucking animals.

So… I told myself the next time I saw him, I was gonna do it!

Too bad the next time I saw him was in the cafeteria, with Nick. I said to myself, “mother fucker are you serioussss…”

But then, I went to the second floor of physics, goddamn it! I thought, if I’m gonna see him, it will be here”. I miraculously saw him! I’ve never been so nervous…

I don’t know why, but I was. He said my face was twiching. LOL.

I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. Here we are…

So we went out. We got some drinks, I could only look into his eyes.

We got to his house, and before he could say anything, I kissed him.

He was such a good kisser.

The sexiness is not just physical… but intellectually. I wasnt used to having a physical as well as an intellectual attraction to a person; now it’s over.

I don’t know what changed from this:

To now he’s indifferent, doesn’t give a fuck anymore, at all.

I don’t know what I did… I didn’t do anything. I was upset because he’s been super distant all of a sudden without any cause…

and still I’m a fucking idiot who would give him another chance. Maybe I just like to be treated like shit. I’m not sure exactly why this is even happening…

why we couldn’t come to a common ground.

It’s so weird. I really think that this man has a very serious mental problem. I hope the school can diagnose him and help him. if you’re that distracted to where I feel like I don’t exist to you… there is a serious problem.

I was willing to forgo so much because I saw a lot of qualities that I liked about him.

When we were together, he was a sweetheart.

He was so nice! Once I was away, it was like I didn’t even exist anymore.

The fact that he believes that his behavior is normal is really revealing. I really believe I could give my left arm and my left leg to this man and it wouldn’t matter. But why? What the fuck did I do?

I’m the kind of person that needs closure. I need him to say, “No, Fatima, I don’t give a flying fuck about you, go away, don’t ever speak to me again. Leave me alone.”

Eric, you need to say these words to me and I will know what to do.


if everyone is going to be like this to me, what is the real point of being on this earth?

If people I cared about so much could just flip, out of nowhere for no reason (or no reason that I can understand).

If I truly deserve this, I don’t deserve to live. This is the sad truth.

He… to me… was as close to perfect as one could be. He was gorgeous (a little overweight, but I didn’t mind as long as he was healthy), he was really smart, he enjoyed similar things to me, but in the end of the day, he too was an asshole.

Straight up.

but still, here I go continuing to date these men, give them a part of me and they take it, use it, then once they’re done… discard it like a piece of trash.

I’ll be gone soon.

I guess I should’ve expected it. I knew from the beginning there was a reason why I didn’t really trust him, I just kinda went alone with it anyway because I was so blinded by his good qualities.

I thought if he liked me as much as he said, he would be willing to change things a little.

Instead, he’s an indignant prick who’s probably never going to get his PhD. because he can’t focus on shit.

All his colleagues are doing research, their work is hanging proudly on the walls of the Henry building.

He is 100x smarter than all of them. I can say that unequivocally… but Is Eric’s research on display? Nope. And I think the same reason why this ended is the same reason why he’s not as accomplished as his colleagues… because he just doesn’t care.

He thinks he’s always right, he thinks what he’s doing is acceptable and he’s not willing to change or work harder.

He’s been a PhD. Student for 5 years now, no work published, his advisor thinks he’s a fucking dumbass (which he isn’t at all, he is just not focused).

He’ll play Dungeons and Dragons and video games for hours, but going to work for an 8 hour shift is uncommon.

If Eric could just try and act like he cared about his job, his research, his PhD, the person he is dating at the time, anything, he would have a lot of success…

I think that maybe subconsciously, he wants to fail and destroy everything and it’s sad.

I can’t help someone who is going to sabotage everything without any warning. I probably wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway. It’s a walking failure in the works.

I believe that he thinks his behavior now is normal. I really hope that the psych people can get him on some meds that can help him focus on things. If not, he probably won’t get his PhD.

It’s heartbreaking, but there is nothing I can do.

I didn’t expect to be the most important thing to him… but I expect to communicate with him. I don’t think what I asked for was a lot, for him to talk to me… but honestly, thinking about it, if I really have to force someone to talk to me, they probably didn’t want to in the first place.

Maybe I should’ve known, but I trusted him and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Still, I’m still willing to help him because I like him! As a person, I do. But it’s time to be honest, and I don’t think he’s ready to hear what I honestly have to say.

I know there is no us anymore.

I really don’t know why I care so much. I could get ANY man I want. Seriously. I’m somewhat attractive and I can uphold an intelligent conversation.

But still, I liked this guy. I’m sure I’ll need time to get over it. It’s fresh… so I will just stay away.

He says he wants to be friends, then he doesn’t want to talk about it. We can’t be friends if we don’t talk about it.

It was just nice to have a friend here. I really wish we didn’t try and make something out of it and just stayed as friends.

Now everything is fucked.

If that’s your normal…

Then there is something seriously wrong. Lol I’m pretty over it all. But let’s talk about work…

Yay! Max approves my time card, with his sexy ass! It’s time to cook some shit up.

I can’t even remember where I ended in the reaction, I like I just formed the anhydride and now I have to NMR it, which reminds me, I have NMR training today.

Yes bitch!

Once I can work the NMR machine by myself, I’m set. I can run my samples by myself whenever I need to.

I got Thursday off… I have shit to attend to on Thursday, so I won’t be in Albs.

Last night, I didn’t drink before I went to bed. I took some antihistamines. I’m a little tired this morning, but fuck it. (Buttfuck it).

So he has me distilling solvents today. I think that’s all I’ll be doing today. And NMR training. So woohoo!

That’s some hexanes being distilled.

Max was just going on about the old days in the Soviet Union. So funny, and so hot! He asked me if I speak French because they speak French in Morocco. Awww he remembered that I was from Morocco! Lol

so my day was pretty boring, for the most part.

But now I can run NMR by myself! Yay! It’s party time, bitches!