It started with me trying to get to sleep, but this issue has now transformed into a cure for my loneliness.
I haven’t made a lot of friends here in Albany… none that I hang out with regularly anyway.
Physics is my friend. Well we’re dating, but it still counts, right. When I’m with him, I don’t even think about doing it… until it’s time to go to bed that is… but I still don’t do it! Not to excess like I usually do anyway. So maybe being around people can help me stop wanting to go into oblivion.
I did say that I need to get out more. It’s just not easy when I’m 10-12 years older than the majority of people that I am around on a daily basis.
And I can be kinda anti-social at times. People have invited me places, but I just don’t accept their invitation. Or I find an excuse not to.
It’s like my actions extenuate my issues. And hopefully the issues will be the cause for me to change, and break out of multiple bad habits.
When I’m happy, but alone, I indulge. When I’m upset, but alone, I indulge. It doesn’t matter what my mood is. It’s just the fact that I’m lonely.
It’s never been this way, I actually planned on living alone, never getting married, no kids, etc. because I just didn’t have hope in people’s loyalty (since I’ve been let down and betrayed a lot in my life).
I enjoyed being alone; I could be myself without any judgement. I didn’t have to worry about anyone fucking me over or making me cry or making me feel like committing suicide…
I stayed in that phase for the past 3 years.
Now, all of a sudden, I’m crazing human contact? It’s so weird how much I’ve evolved… but maybe devolved is a better word to use… depends on what happens.
I know I don’t like myself a lot of the time. I wish I didn’t make a lot of the mistakes I have made. I wish I was better looking. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more accomplished at 30.
These insecurities are a burden; I should feel more comfortable.
I do feel comfortable around Physics because he’s always telling me how smart he thinks I am, or how beautiful he thinks I am, and fun, etc. it’s crazy how I needed to hear it to believe it. If he didn’t ever say it, I would automatically think that he was in it for the sex (which I’m not gonna lie, I have been very afraid of from the beginning, another reason why I expected to be alone forever)
Not that I need ego boosts all the time. That’s not it. I just needed to hear it a few times to believe it. So I do believe for once, someone is willing to look at me for my brains and the outside. It’s definitely a good feeling.
With friendship, it’s weird because I just do not get along with straight girls. I just feel different from them, maybe it’s because of this:
I have male tendencies. So I’ve always had guy friends. It’s hard for me to have guy friends though because most guys don’t just want to be friends with me. They always want something more. Or they think being my friend would lead to sex eventually.
So maybe the girls I’ve tried to be friends with have just not worked out for some reason other than the fact that they are girls. I don’t know… I just know that them and I have grown apart after being friends
I’ve told my sister about my issue… actually, she kinda found out because she FaceTime called me while I was in oblivion, the night before my two biggest and hardest finals. Usually, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb when I am in the act, but she is on my favorites list, so her calls come through. And she would not stop calling me! I had to pick up, and she was very alarmed when she saw me. I also offended her husband while in this state, supposedly. I can’t even remember the context in which I said these things… but it was bad, I guess.
She called me the next day to have a heart to heart. She was worried that I was going down a rabbit hole. She’d been down the same rabbit hole and I helped her out of it. I love my sister… I would save her out of anything. I just don’t think she will be able to save me.
I’m the only one that can save myself. I need to come to terms with this and nip it in the bud before it starts fucking shit up for me. I still have my priorities straight, so that it a good sign, but
This is the first time I am admitting this publicly, but…
My name is Fatima, and I am an alcoholic.