Confidence

I realized that a lot of my outbursts, like the one I had last week, as well as my anxiety, are based in many things, one of them being my confidence.

I’ve been through a lot as a person. My past isn’t a perfect one, but I’ve been living in it for a little bit now.

I fear that all those horrible things that have happened will happen again. With men, with me, with my family… everything I’ve been through has shaped who I am today, but it also causes me to be very weary.

My past has caused me to not expect good things to ever happen to me, to expect to be let down, treated badly, lead on, or down a bad road.

When it comes to relationships, I’ve been through the ringer. I’ve made horrible choices as a younger person. When I talk about the guy I’m seeing now, my family’s like, “wow he seems very put together and normal”

He is… but those comments are made because I didn’t ever pick the right people to be by my side.

What I used to do a lot was ignore the physical, and figure out what I liked about the person intellectually. It’s funny, just when I flipped shit around where I was first physically attracted to this person, then intellectually attracted, I made a better choice. Hmmmm… 🤔

I’ve been in relationships where people have said to me specifically, “why are you dating him?” And I just thought those people were just shallow.

Now that I’m older, I see that there are many different levels of attraction. Things have to be innate. As human beings, the first thing we see is outward appearance. I probably shouldn’t have ignored that.

So last guy I dated, I was NOT AT ALL physically attracted. In fact, all the “attraction” was emotional, but not my emotion, his emotions…

He fell really quickly and that shit scared me. I felt stuck in the relationship. I wasn’t happy, but I was scared to end things.

He told me that he has attempted suicide twice, once by hanging and the other by overdose. His mother committed suicide. (https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.recordonline.com/article/20140224/NEWS/402240327%3ftemplate=ampart)

Since suicide seems to run in families, this fact really scared me. This fact made me feel even more trapped in the situation. I feared that if I broke up with him, he would end his life. To this day, I still check his Facebook to make sure he hasn’t done it.

He never wanted to believe that his mother killed herself. He always thought about it and came up with conspiracy theories. It didn’t help that he had people telling him that the police overlooked a lot of evidence. I can honestly say that I would probably not want to believe my mother did that either.

This person was also very immature. The last time I talked to him, he sent me a picture of a black eye he acquired fighting. He said he fought this person because this person was being abusive to a woman.

I told him that I thought there were better ways to assert how he was feeling without getting into a fist fight.

He started getting mad, but it wasn’t until he asked how everything was going with me and I told him that I was back in the dating scene that he got truly angry.

He said, “how did you get so easy?” “Did you forget the true love we had and how it had nothing to do with what we looked like?” “I was willing to look past your small tits.”

That is where I flipped shit… I told him honestly, “I really wasn’t physically attracted to you.” “I felt as if I wasn’t truly in love with you” “you had poor hygiene towards the end” “at least you can change small tits”

I felt really bad for saying those things, but when I held back how I felt for 6 months to spare his feelings, he took the first available shot he could against me to purposely make me feel like shit… so yeah, I fucking said it!

Afterwards he kept saying he was joking but I knew he said those things to make me angry. I told him that he obviously was still feeling some type of way and I knew we couldn’t remain friends.

The hygiene thing was just something I could not deal with. I didn’t want to have sex with him anyway, but he made it really easy to avoid it. He wouldn’t shower for weeks… and would only dip his head in the shower so his hair didn’t look greasy.

I saw this as a symptom of depression. I would get depressed and not shower; I knew what it was about… so even though he was pretty nasty, I still feared breaking up with him.

Every time I would go to his house, he would tell me to keep something there for when I came back… finally he just basically moved me in. I felt as if I didn’t have a choice. I lived at his house for a little bit like a fucking idiot. It was closer to the school, so My excuse was that I was saving gas… but in the end, I decided I wanted to move out because I needed to concentrate during finals. I never moved back.

During Christmas, I bought him a new guitar case and a book of chords. I brought it to his house and he was cooking dinner and shit. When I told him I would stay for dinner but I wouldn’t sleep over, he got angry and told me to leave. I really tried to keep it platonic but obviously he wanted something that I couldn’t give.

I look at that situation and the one I’m in now, and it’s a complete 180. We are moving at a rate I am completely comfortable with. He’s not all up my ass, and I’m not all up his. We see each other every week and it’s always great. He’s not clingy and not professing his love for me after 6 minutes of knowing me. He has goals for the future. He is absolutely stunning. He showers. He enjoys life and he is very intelligent.

If feel like now that I am getting older, I am making better decisions for myself. Not that I’m not considering other people’s feelings, but they are not my the only thing I consider.

My choices are healthier and they’re made for me and based off how I feel. I can say that I’ve actually been happy and if I ruined everything because of past experiences, I would’ve been very angry at myself. I’m really happy he decided to forgive me.

I usually don’t get lucky, but I am optimistic.

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