Flipping out

So yesterday I flipped out on him. This came out of nowhere. I was kinda intoxicated, but actually there are reasons for my actions.

First of all, there isn’t an excuse for why I acted the way I did. I really regret it. I jumped to a conclusion and I disrespected him. (If you are reading: you need to know that I have the utmost respect for you.) This is why I acted like a fucking idiot:

Sometimes I feel like this person can’t really stand me, or doesn’t want to be around me or talk to me, but doesn’t want to say it for fearing of hurting my feelings. That “not saying anything” is really making me think that he wouldn’t ever say anything even if he is bothered, and it doesn’t make me feel good.

It makes me feel like what if he just lies about everything, I mean if he’s able to have his feelings take a backseat, why wouldn’t he lie about something else?

He’s been pretty honest this far…

It kinda makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Since I’m not clairvoyant, I can’t read his mind. I can only go off of how he acts, but I hardly ever see him anyway. So going off of text messages and my past experience has been my way of reading this person which is obviously not a smart idea.

I didn’t even want to bring this up! I thought I could play it cool until I saw him later on this week. I’m not very good at faking/omitting the truth.

I feel really bad. What I said culminated from the anxiety I’ve been having about him and everything. I wish I waited until we were together, if I was still feeling that and maybe when I wasn’t intoxicated so I could intelligently explain myself without being a fucking bitch.

It’s finals week, so my drinking will end. If I wasn’t drunk, I wouldn’t have done this.

I obviously have a lot of issues I’m dealing with right now. I’m under a lot of stress. This isn’t a good excuse; I’m not looking for one.

I’m just wish I didn’t fuck shit up this bad.

I could understand if he didn’t forgive me. I told you I’m really good at fucking things up. This wouldn’t be the first time.

The difference this time is that, everything was great until I acted like an asshole. I was optimistic, until I did some stupid shit.

I had a lot of bottled up emotions that hit a breaking point. I took those bottled up emotions and I directed them at someone who didn’t really deserve that.

I’m a fucking asshole.

P.S. I’m almost certain that he is going to dump me on Friday. I am trying to just give him space so he can think about things… but I really think that he has probably already made his decision.

I’m such a fucking idiot… I am very angry at myself. I really liked this one. I was able to talk to him about anything! Instead, I attacked him. For no reason.

I hurt him and pissed him off. Made comments that were absolutely insane and very disrespectful.

If I were him, I’d probably react in the same way. I hope that he is able to see the real Fatima and not that fucking bitch I turned into when I was drunk and out of control.

I’m not that argumentative. Passive aggressive, yes… but to attack him like that is just crazy.

Well, I can only hope that I can explain this to him and that he will understand, but I’m not optimistic.

I’ll prepare myself for the worst.

Sometimes I take for granted how lucky I am.

My wedding speech. šŸ˜

It doesn’t matter where I am, in another life, with my brain done Men-In-Black style, I will never forget this group of people that I’ve had the honor to spend my life with.

It doesn’t matter who comes into my life and leaves (trust me, there’s been a few). They will never forget these people.

This is that unconditional love that we don’t ever have to look for because it’s always there.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes that I regret today, and I will probably never forgive myself completely for these mistakes and the times that these mistakes have taken from me being able to spend this precious time with my family.

I will never forgive myself for not wanting to be home over break, wanting to be alone, not being able to see my sister’s apartment, not being able to see my brother’s apartment, not being there when my brother comes up with a song that he loves and thinks will be the next billboard hit, not being able to help my mom with bills, and quite possibly being a burden to her…

I just love them so much. And I really hope they know that.