Tell Me You’re That Somebody…

I’m really glad we were able to talk like adults.

I really hope we don’t argue like that going forward. I’m thinking the next big argument is the end. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happy.

Nothing I’ve ever said to him has been something that I’ve said on purpose to hurt him.

I want him to know that I really like & care about him… and I wouldn’t knowingly hurt him.

I really hope we don’t have this issue again. I really don’t want to fight with him. I want him to be honest with his feelings.

If I let this go, I won’t tell nobody, I’m talking ’bout nobody… Hope you’re responsible, boy I better watch my back ’cause I’m not just anybody. Is it my go, or is it your go?…sometimes I’m goody goody, right now I’m naughty naughty… say yes or say no… ’cause I really need somebody, tell me you’re that somebody.

P.S. I really wanted to do unmentionable things to him today when I saw him..:

Today but it was like “NO!!! You can’t!!”

I kept my distance.


Next week, I will jump his bones. This week I needed

For him to like me

Weird.

So a friend of mine, let’s call him Travis, he texted me a little while ago asking if my house had any room for another dude, and I said that I didn’t think so but I would ask my landlord.

I didn’t ask, lol I really didn’t want him living in my house. So him and I dated for a very short while. But it was obvious that we should just be friends so we remained friends.

I met him at Dutchess and he was apart of the CSTEP program, as was I. I didn’t know he was going to Albany until I transferred so we linked up. Whatever.

Back to the story, so he asked about my house, I didn’t get back to him. I saw him yesterday at the supermarket, and he informs me that he will be moving to the house next door.

Then an hour ago, he texts me again and says, I just looked at my lease and it says 138, but the building number is 140. I might be moving upstairs to you, I can’t remember what building I visited.

This kid has been to my house a number of times… how the fuck did he not realize that he would be living in my house? That shit makes no sense at all

He says that he got a job at Albany med, and that’s why he’s moving. Albany med isn’t even close to my house, so I’m not sure why he’s so gung-ho about my house…,

But something is very weird…

UPDATE: he just texted me saying that he’s sorry that this “coincidence” happened, he just wanted a cheap apartment but he’ll be working 12 hour days so we wouldn’t come in contact.

Such a fucking weirdo. I wouldn’t see him anyway unless he was in the laundry room… it’s just weird that he really wanted to live here.

What In The Fuck?

Is he leaving me Russian love letters? A girl can dream, right? He looks me in the eye a lot more now. I guess that’s a good sign.

He is however pissing me off today… he played tennis during his lunch hour, and he took 2 hours to do this… then he made me conduct TLC on his reaction… there were about 40 fractions that I had to spot. It’s a painstaking process.

Last, right when we were going to get my column set up so I can purify my compound, he leaves to go get his son. He said it would be 15 minutes, but it’s 45 minutes later and he’s still not back.

I HAVE to leave at 3:35 today. There’s no if ands or butts about it… it is now 3:00. I don’t even think I’ll be able to stay for group meeting. 😑

I might have to text him if he’s not back in 15 minutes. Hopefully he’s ok… I’m kinda worried.

Ok, he was fine.. he came back 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave wearing a different outfit. That was his third outfit change today. Lmao. He’s very sexy.

Here’s A Story About A Total Douche…

This douche’s name is William (second William I’ve dated, guess I didn’t learn my lesson the first time).

Will attended SUNY New Paltz when we first met. He was 24 or 25, can’t remember, but he was a year younger than me) We met at Cab’s (back when Cab’s was a thing) during a paint party. I went with one of my coworkers who was a very pleasant lesbian woman. I took some sass before the party.

When I danced with Will, this coworker told me to stop dancing with him because he looked like a serial killer, but I didn’t listen. He gave me his Facebook or something, I can’t remember. In my afterglow, I decided to hit him up. He seemed to be pretty decent; we talked on the phone, no awkward silence… it was cool.

We hung out on Valentine’s Day and a month later, we were officially a couple.

He told me about his problems assimilating in New Paltz. He did weird shit like ride around town on his bike with a boom box blasting soul music on his shoulder. I didn’t know this before I made the decision to be his girlfriend, but everyone in New Paltz called him “Boombox Guy”.

He did not have a very good reputation, in fact, a lot of people hated him. They called him chauvinistic… but I didn’t see that side of him (yet).

It wasn’t until 3 months into the thing that he started going on about threesomes. He told me that I was unable to completely satisfy him, and that I needed to participate in a threesome so he was satisfied.

I was NOT ok with this. First of all, I’m straight as all hell… secondly, I didn’t want to share my man. When I said that I didn’t want to, he continuously told me that I would warm up to it soon.

Finally, we got wasted and brought this very unattractive and fat chick into the bed. The morning after, I was very angry. I told him that he got what he wanted, and now I’m done.

He literally would not stop calling me. I had 50 missed calls from him. I blocked him, then he went on Facebook.

Finally we came up with a deal that if we wanted an open relationship, I would do my own thing and he would also.

When I decided to sleep with someone who was VERY attractive… he made a big deal out of it. He told me that he didn’t approve of the person so that meant that I cheated. I swear, it probably wouldn’t have mattered who I slept with, he wouldn’t have approved.

Finally, a day before his finals began, I told him I was done. Don’t call me anymore. Forget that I exist.

He rode his bike all the way from New Paltz to Montgomery to try and get me to stay… I told him I couldn’t do it.

After this, he transferred from New Paltz to Albany (my school now) and changed his major to Africana Studies.

After a little, I was an idiot and I hit him up. We met up in Albany. The first few times we saw each other, things went well. Then we decided to take acid…

This trip was probably the worst trip I’ve ever had on LCD. Immediately after I dosed, I felt closed off. I was silent the entire time and I was subjected to Will speaking freely about everything.

He started talking about slave masters raping their slaves as if it wasn’t rape but something the slave wanted. Then he stated that he wanted multiple wives, all black, and added “but not exactly like slaves”.

I knew instantly that this piece of shit was a racist prick with a fetish built on his racism.

He told me that he is an Africana Studies Major because he wanted to help less fortunate black people. He said he chose his apartment (which was basically in the ghetto) because it was in a neighborhood of less fortunate blacks and he helped many single mothers in his neighborhood by babysitting and shit.

The next morning, he turned the radio on to a conservative talk station and claimed that he loved to hear both sides.

After I broke up with him again, he changed his political ideology to conservative.

I think he dated another black girl right after me, but they didn’t last very long (it’s a trend).

This man will be perpetually single, and it’s not by choice. He cannot keep a woman because he is a fucking asswipe. He tends to date very young (18-21 year old) women because they aren’t experienced enough to realize that he is a fucking idiot.

He wanted to control me… this is an impossible feat. I’m all the way alpha…

Whenever he’s dating someone, he automatically changes his profile pic to a picture of them. Once they break up, he posts a douchie shirtless pic.

I hope he stays lonely forever. Any woman that takes a chance on him will be feeling completely used.

His younger brother has very severe autism. His brother cannot talk at all. I believe Will is more high functioning on the spectrum. One thing that he never did was look me dead in my eyes. Every time I looked him in the eye, he looked away.

Lack of eye gaze is a symptom of Asperger’s Syndrome. I really believe he is undiagnosed.

When it came to feelings, he could never relate. I asked him, “what is the reason people get married”? And he said, “because they want to reproduce” and I said, “this is the exact reason why I am dumping your ass, people get married because they love each other. You don’t understand love because you don’t understand feelings”.

Autism can be easily confused with psychopathy/sociopathy. Those on the spectrum cannot relate with the feelings of others, just their own.

This describes Will to a fucking T.

He finally graduated from Albany and he planned to work as some baby sitter or something in Washington DC… I wasn’t really sure. When he was at New Paltz, he was a history major.

I didn’t start school until the semester before he graduated… in my first semester, I took introduction to chemistry (since I didn’t take high school chem) and my first quiz ever, I got a 50%. When I told him about this, he told me that the reason I didn’t get a good grade was because I didn’t eat healthy enough… this was the type of fucking douche bag this idiot was.

I obviously finished that course with an A, actually I had a 4.0 with 16 credits my first semester. I never ate any carrots, in fact, I was still smoking cigarettes at that time.

Before the end of my first semester we broke up so I never got to gloat.

In a month, I will post a story (that I’m still working on) that mentions him and some of the issues I had with him, so I wanted you to understand the full back story before you read that small segment.

In the past, I’ve obviously made dumb decisions as I outline every day. Right now, everything is just right… I am not ignoring the horrible things… there aren’t any. It’s nice for once that someone wants to take me out and spend time with me, be seen with me in public, and treats me well. I can honestly say that in the past, this wasn’t a thing.

I don’t want to make it seem like I never was a douche either, because I have been in past relationships. In fact, in the beginning of my relationship with Will, I was still seeing Artie on and off. Once we made it official, I stopped.

I don’t operate that way anymore. Im just too old for all that right now.

I am just comparing 25-27 year old Fati with 30 year old Fati; this Fati knows what the fuck she wants.

I just cannot accept anymore toxicity in my relationships; any sign of that shit and I’m moonwalking the fuck outta the situation.

He Works Through Lunch.

When I first joined the lab, one of the grad students told me that Mac works unbelievably hard. .. like workaholic status.

I didn’t fully realize it until today. The man comes in with guns blazing this morning. He’s like “Faateema, let’s quench the rxn”! So we go do that, then he pulls out the reaction I was doing yesterday and he goes now we are going to base wash this, and I’m basically working on two reactions simultaneously.

I was the last one to go to lunch since I was so busy. I left and Max was rotovapping something.

I don’t take really long breaks, maybe 20-25 minutes… when I got back, Max was still standing by the rotovap. He did not go to lunch! He has barely left the lab today.

When I had him as a professor, I really thought he hated me. He never called on me when I raised my hand; he always said hi to everyone but me… still, I stuck it out and ended up with an A. (Actually, I got a 97 on my final. One question wrong!)

So when I approached him about research, I was certain he would ignore my email or something. He responded, and right away he gave me a desk in the lab, and he introduced me to everyone.

Around the time of my first physics exam, I skipped lab for like 2 weeks trying to study. He emailed me right away and asked if I wanted to work in the lab still and if I wanted to do research. I told him that I was just a little busy studying but that I did and do want both.

So he calls me to his office, he makes this presentation about a project he is going to write a paper on. He told me that he wanted me to be a part of the project, and he also said, since you want to be published, this is your chance.

After this, he invited me to group meeting.

These were indications that he saw something in me. Maybe he really didn’t hate me. Working close with him now, the man takes no shortcuts!

Though he’s wearing slippers in the lab (something that is completely illegal by chemistry standards), he always wants everything to be perfect.

When I make mistakes, he doesn’t bitch at me over them, he uses them to teach me lessons. He makes me feel really comfortable in my first real chemistry job.

I can’t say enough about the man. He is great. I’m really glad I chose this lab.

Plus he’s kinda hot. (I’ve thought all my chemistry teachers were hot, but he’s the hottest one out of them all. Lmao)

He’s running through the lab screaming, “Dees laydees and gentlemen ees a yield!” “I weel take that for a yield” dees my yield! dees my yield!” I love this man!

I Don’t Want To Be Overtly Mean…

But please, shut the fuck up.

There’s people that won’t ever leave you alone even though you really make them know that you want to be left alone.

This person is in Colorado, we went to school together for like 2 years or something… maybe 3. I can’t remember this person in high school, just as an acquaintance of one of my ex’s.

Fucking snake waited ’til me and my ex broke up and kept trying to hang out with me. I said “nah, fuck white guys” (this was sometime in 2012 I think) and he was all like oh, I understand. Even when I was in Africa, home boy was texting me…. like everyday. Not that I could answer cause data rates apply, ho! But I read the messages when I was coming back through England.

After every goddamn semester, he will ask how everything is, what I am doing, where I am working… WHO I AM DATING…

since I’ve been known to be perpetually single. I don’t broadcast if I’m seeing someone, especially all over Facebook unless I felt it was safe enough to do so. So most of the time, everyone just assumes I’m single. (“I only say I love her when I want to fuck her”)

Some people shoot their shot. Get let down gently if I am unable to agree to their flirting, and that’s it.

But Mr. legal weed over here does not stop. Maybe I should just be happy that someone is thinking enough about me to want to know I’m doing good, but I really want to erase that part of my life.

Before 2015, I want to ignore. So 2016 and later. These are the people I want to remember. People I want to be in their life and them in mine, whatever.

As Mike Jack said “LEAVE ME ALOOONNNNEEE!!!”

Max’s Lab Notes.

His lab notebook is really like a journal to him. Lmfao. I love it.

I really enjoy this job so far. Now that I’m seen as an “adult chemist doing adult reactions”, I feel more important to the project.

Next semester, I will also be working in the lab, but for credit. It will reinforce the shit I will learn this summer.

I just wish he would fucking get here so I can do some damn work!

P.S. he just came in and is wearing this ridiculous beanie. Lmao. I wish I could take a picture of this. Also, cyclooctane smells like ass.

Jail letter from Jeremy that I found.

I pasted all my jail letters with Jeremy in my journal. I’ve kept this journal from 2014- today (I ran out of sheets)

Looking back at everything, this is very funny and makes me laugh.

Also,

This was written by one of my managers… he put $200 in the card. He was either in his late 50’s or early 60’s. White man, divorced from a black woman. It was a fetish.

I brought two tickets to see Sufjan with this guy… I’m almost certain this guy was undercover gay, but not completely sure.

Don’t I look 18 in this picture? I was 27! This was the summer before I started my first semester. I scored low on the placement tests so I took a summer class to have a chance to get out of the remedial courses. I got out of the remedial English, but I had to take one remedial math to be able to take calculus. I was in the lowest remedial math before then. I would’ve had to take 3 remedial courses before I was able to take precalculus!

In the picture to the left: the professor that tried to take me on a date. Gross.

I’ve Talked A Lot of Shit.

I’ve talked a lot of “shit” about people. Friends, enemies, everyone.

I see this as bad, but then again, if I didn’t talk this “shit”, I would’ve probably told them to their face. And I really don’t find that as a good option.

Sometimes in my honesty, I can realize when how I feel and how I think might hurt a niggas feelings. I understand that. So, instead of telling someone they’re a dumb piece of shit to their face, I tuck it away and talk about how dumb they are to someone else.

Usually I change my mind on my initial feelings, but then other times it’s like… yeah bro, that shit was correct.

This is probably not a good quality of mine, but I can justify almost anything (at least for a little bit).

WHY?!?!

Does Max have to look so hot today? Lmao. But his accent is fucking hilarious, I have to walk out of the lab when he starts talking.

“Another paaarson from Uta” I’m dead.

Orgasms.

I had my first orgasm in almost a year and a half yesterday, and it was good.

I’m not sure why it’s so rare for me, but there are certain conditions that have to occur for me to even get the tingle sensation letting me know it’s going to happen. Once there though, it’s inevitable.

Usually, I would have to be in the “dominant” position, but actually, he was in the “dominant” position that time… the motion was just right.

Just when I thought that this guy couldn’t possibly be any more agreeable to me, boom! I cum all over the place. I’m giving him an A-.

I hope it happens again.

Woah, well I never meant to brag, but my sex life is much better than yours. 🙂

My Favorite Person(s) (of the week) Explains: BDSM for the average White Guy

Favorite Person:

Well honestly, hmmm… this topic is a very sexy one but I would love to participate in some tying someone up, but only if they want, not against their will or anything

Also if this person prefers paddles and whips and chains, then that’s totally cool too we can do that I would proudly spank them until they were completely satisfied with the spanking but I would make totally sure that they weren’t hurt or anything so I would go as hard as they wanted not holding back or anything but I think it’s probably better if we don’t do anything too dangerous I can be normal.

I’m just down to do whatever they’re cool with me doing to them. And I really like how it’s cool cause they’re cool and no one will get in trouble or hurt you know that’s my main concern.

(Yes, the bad grammar / run on sentences were on purpose.)

Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is probably one of my favorite mental disorders.

Of course those that suffer with it have a very unbalanced sense of self and black/white view of everyone and that is bad, but it’s so fucking interesting.

Those with BPD like to latch onto a person, or thing, and transform themselves into that. I’ve had a friend who was a borderline (who I also couldn’t seriously be close with because they would basically try to do things that I was doing). This person and I reconnected a few years back.

We were both in school, I think I was actually in my second semester back. This was when I decided to be a science major. This person was in the arts. They decided that they wanted to study math/science instead and upheaved their entire education, making it longer until they were able to graduate.

For that person to graduate with an associates in math or science, it would’ve taken them about 3-4 years. That’s the normal time for a bachelor’s degree.

I told them that it really didn’t make sense for them to do that, but they said that they wouldn’t get a job doing art, they would get a better job doing math or science (I couldn’t disagree there, getting a degree in math can set you up in a number of fields, even sports! A science degree is hit or miss though. Well, namely biology and physics. More physics than bio)

So they moved to my community college, changed their major, then I decided it was healthier for them to not have me as a friend. I stop talking to them for their own good. I really cared about them, but I knew if I continued being friends with them that they would make dumb decisions such as that.

One time, they had some sort of a “breakdown”. I was also good friends with their significant other. I called the significant other and I asked him if he wanted to talk about it over a blunt or bowl.

The significant other invited me over. Their apartment was dark, and kinda gloomy. The significant other and I didn’t even talk about what occurred. The significant other kept asking me why I asked to hang, implying something other than friendship. I told them, “because I care about this person and I want them to succeed”.

He seemed to think I wanted to have a secret hookup, or so it seemed. I tip-toed my ass out of there real quick.

I hate people who cheat. Whether it’s a physical cheat, or emotional cheat. Nigga, you’re cheating.

Never looked at that person the same again. When I started to date the depressed guitar player, I wanted to reconnect, but guitar player said no, he wasn’t comfortable with that. If he was ever right about a situation, that was it. Guitar player was also very self-conscious. I think he knew that he could lose me at any moment, which is why he tried so many different things to force me to stay.

Anyway, back to BPD…

It’s a dangerous disorder… mentally. Its a person being very unstable and making rash decisions. It’s a person being so out of control because they have no idea who they are. It’s a person that latches on to someone else’s sense of self and adopting that as their own.

It’s scary.

Permanent sleep.

Let me tell you how fucking awful shit is right now…

I.

Can’t.

Sleep.

He’s fucking snoring over there in fucking bliss…

my weed pen died.

He ran out of condoms.

I feel like I might be tired but I’m not yet.

It’s almost 3 AM.

I’m glad I get to be in bed with him though… he’s really cute.

Ok fuck. God.

“Permanent sleep is my only cureeeee.”

P.S. I might actually have to kinda wake him up because my blood sugar is a bitch ass nuugah!His 5 o’clock shadow was on fleek though.

I really need sleep.

I’m Walking Down The Street…

I hear hollering off a porch, out of a car, off a dump truck, someone walking past.

I would love to walk somewhere without someone hitting on me, or trying to.

It’s very disrespectful to me to be treated like a piece of meat, as if that’s the only thing I have to offer someone.

So pathetic.

If you go through your day trying to get pussy like that, you will be lonely forever.

Follow part II

Still I like dancing outside the fringes

Of societal pressure, who’s better than who?

Tap dance around that nomenclature.

We’re spooked to know we’re normal human beings

doing normal human shit.

Shit millennials find fantastic.

So let’s continue skirting around the dynamic

As long as you wish, you’re the king of men.

I know, you know, no one needs to pry a judging finger

Whatever you desire,

what they don’t know is the acquaintance, if you will.

So this fire is just a flash of flame.

To put it out, no need to stop drop roll.

To put it out, Follow what you know.

Give up.

Either he really cares about me and my future, or he thinks that he will ever have another chance at me.

I made myself pretty clear the last time we spoke… but in the past, I’ve been very weak and I allowed people to treat me any which way they wanted, yet I stuck around and was loyal.

Maybe he sees that sign of weakness in me. He did use a lot of this weakness… or just straight naivety against me in the past.

This particular situation was something that reduced me to always believing I will never be number 1 to someone and really bro, you want to congratulate me on my A grade semester… get the fuck out!

What do you care what the fuck I’m doing? How the fuck I’m doing? I think that you don’t see me as a smart adult but rather someone who would fall for anything.

This man is one of those people that is honest but omits a lot of shit. Anything that could fuck shit up for him, he will omit. He has two whole children now… 2010-2015 were horrible years for me. The common denominator, this guy.

Ok, so I know he’s trying to be nice, and honestly, I never harbored any ill will towards him. I still don’t. I just got my heart broken, battered, played with, used, etc. by this man so sorry I feel like being a bitch behind his back.

He knows where I’m at now. I go to school with his fucking brother for crying out loud. I really hope that he’s just always going to regret what he did to me.

Any comparison would be futile so I’m not even gonna do that here. Basically if this person was in a wrestling match with someone who may garner a comparison to him, the garnered comparison wins with a leg lace and 3 turns, 10-0 after 0.03 seconds.

So all I have to say in conclusion is….

Fuck that nigga!

Follow.

If all the distractions caused

can’t stop complaints of

the negative variety,

your work and you.

As if it has nothing to do with me at all;

I shoulder no blame,

even though I set fire to the flame.

Free will is so amazing.

Somethings lack that, somethings have that.

But what do you do?

When respected, and of above average intelligence…

Unpredictable, somewhat… in some sense.

This just fits some irregular jigsaw,

scientific problem solving skill problem.

Is it safe yet?

What is expected is whatever happens.

The hypothesis is clear, really.

Follow what you want.

Yes!!!

B+ bitch just like I thought.

now I can’t say give me that B+ cause he gave it.

He did the right thing.

But I knew I deserved that B+!

In all actuality, I am very happy about this. It’s like fuck, I can probably do physics too if I focused on it. (Just kidding, staying the fuck out the business) but I could do it…

I usually sad about a B+ but bro, this is my proudest B+ that I have ever gotten. (I’ve gotten 2, one last semester) .

This is the lowest letter grade I have gotten in my undergrad career (it’s been 3 years)

This B+ allows me to s/u some art or Arabic class and focus on my shit… chemistry.

I got a 40/45 on my Orgo II final. It was really out of 50. I told you; I dropped a few questions just because. I needed a 27 to get an A.

This B+ tho… that’s a good grade for this class. I am elated!

helps that I live with 3 physicists and I’m dating one. 4 physicists… the name of my new hit. Like 2 princes…

What GPA will I end up getting?

If I get that fucking B+, my GPA is sitting constant. Just a slight drop… but this will help my Overall GPA stay in the 3.9’s. I this GPA will show me that, I really can do this shit if I work as hard as I can. It’s like yeah bitch, I got a good grade in a really hard class.

This GPA is kinda sad to me. Ok, it’s a fine GPA, sure… but it = an A-. I would want that for harder courses. Not these entry level/ intermediate type courses. But it’s a respectable grade. And the B in physics is also a respectable grade. All my other chemist friends have gotten C’s in electromag… just, idk I feel like I was better than that.

This grade is probably the grade I actually deserve. It makes my almost perfect run this semester look like I hit a small little roadblock. B- is also a respectable grade in this course, but god…. it makes my GPA really ugly.

All A’s, one A- then… THAT! Ugh. Horrible.

In 24 fucking hours… I will find out what that letter grade is.