Dear Dudes,

For ones first date, asking a girl to dinner, well I should say, asking me to dinner, shows the depths of your lameness.

So let’s say that you met someone whom you are attracted to, you wanna get to know this girl a little better so you decide to take her out.

First off, don’t be lame and be like omg let’s get dinner… that’s not a suggestion that will show her who you are. Before asking someone out, you must get to know their interests and if you both have similar interests.

You can’t just ask someone to do something lame and think that they won’t think you yourself are lame…

So? If you’re not sure what common interests you both have, don’t ask them out yet.

If you’re not lame, it’s hard to look that way. However, if you are lame, it’s simple to see right through it. Don’t try and do something you yourself have no confidence in, that’s a waste of time.

I feel like I’m in a dating limbo… the good ones that are single are like in their early 20’s, the last one, I tried, but he was a fucking virgin and that was not my responsibility… I would like a 35 year old, or someone older than me… preferably with experience.

I know I have a youthful appearance, so that makes shit weird. I’m also in college so it’s like I’m one of them. (News flash!: I’m fucking not!)

Not that I have any time to focus all my efforts into a person PERIOD. But like, hanging out, no fucking strings. Is that hard to fucking compute?  We’re all adults, right?

I Think I Make It

I think I make it pretty fucking obvious if I want or don’t want to fuck you. 

Ok so let me give out some of my rules, and after reading them, you’ll possibly learn of the time you’re wasting and quit, or believe that you should keep trying to peruse sex with me because it’s obvious that I want to do you.

First off, I feel as if I need to say this now because of recent events… if there isn’t a “contract” that we are, or are not exclusive, then we are not exclusive. The thing that causes sexual relationships to go down the tubes is assuming. I’ve been one who has done it too, so just know, I’m not looking for any serious canoodling.

Secondly, I don’t really feel the need to fuck someone another time (like months later), if our first setup failed. It’s kinda like the city guy. And I’m saying this now because I feel as if I already made it clear that I didn’t want to have sex after speeding of my candooling with my favorite boy in the whole wide world. Find someone else. We can be friends, but I don’t want to fuck you. I’ve done it enough times to predict how it’s going to go down (the same way all the time)

To add on to that point, sometimes feelings change; especially mine. One day I’m down, but when I get to know the other I’m completely not attracted. 

I have three things that have to be a thing…

1. I must be physically attracted.

2. I must be intellectually attracted (their personality must align with mine)

3. This person has to exude some type of success or be headed in that way (in my opinion)

If any of those three are missing. Shit won’t work. No 2/3, .667 does not equal one; this isn’t mathematics. 

If it takes you 5 years to get an associates degree in art, you need to stop. Lol

So stop trying to rekindle, please. Right now I want nothing, but like two… but I’m gonna just say, for anything foreseeable, I’m not looking or wanting anything physical or emotional. Kthx

Working Witchu.

Ok so, the virgin and I had our unhonorable departation.  Before I look like a fucking cunt, I’m going to give the backstory on why I said this to him in a nutshell because I don’t believe that I’ve said anything about this…

So sometimes randomly, this kid will text me saying “sorry I’ve been so distant” and crazy shit. We weren’t in a relationship, we hung out twice. We hardly talked really at all. 

I started to feel weird, like maybe his feelings were deviating from the sexual relationship I wanted (with a virgin, I’m an idiot. Lmfao, I thought I could mold him, idk the fantasies were nice) 

So anyway, I’d really only ask him questions about math, or tell him about the guy I had a crush on, but I masked it about something else because I wanted feedback. Nothing to feel distant about on my end, I’m not sure what the fuck he thought this was… but dont ever kiss a virgin or fuck a virgin who hasn’t even ever kissed another person. 

I can see how maybe he fell, or something. He’s blander than a bag of potatoes though, I couldn’t really consider him anything . 

So this kid also has really bad social anxiety, and I NEVER ASKED HIM TO DISCLOSE HIS MENTAL HEALTH STATUS OR ANY OF HIS AFFLICTIONS, he just popped right out. He also told me he had ADHD,OCD, SAD, and GAD. 

He took his medication right in front of me during the second time we hung out, and all the alphabet soup diagnosis’s… like maybe this is stereotypical, but I started to believe the nigga was a ticking time bomb. But I thought he was cute so I didn’t care, he was old enough. Fucking almost 21, I thought he kinda would understand. Late bloomer.

I always get stuck with these kinds… anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore the other day and this happened…


And then this happened…



To be honest, I only apologized, not because I felt sorry, but because I knew that this was his First experience. I didn’t want him to go crazy, but everyone I told knew that this kid wouldn’t be able to handle this. 

I don’t know what that last comment about feeling sorry for ignoring me, when I sent him a message, he always replied. We didn’t text much, except if I wanted to be nice (or was bored and wanted feedback). 

He was a potential fuck, and I guess he needs a lot more experience with people PERIOD before he attempts to do that.

Z was right, he would’ve gotten clingy. 

Like duh! 

I do feel really bitchy for saying those comments. I could’ve been a little softer; that was just the way I felt at the time.

Mastery

Achieving an A in a class is about a lot more than studying, doing well on exams, and taking great notes. 

Getting an A shows me that I have mastered all those subjects, and I have been, and will continue, using the things I’ve learned in my walk through life.

I use history to connect the dots between what has happened in the past and how that effects life as I know it today.

I use social problems to understand why things happen the way they do, and why people act the way they do towards certain issues

I use English to communicate in an academic sense.

I use statistics to calculate conditions of mankind.

I use chemistry to calculate bonds and matter, how acids and bases combine to create a protein rich substance, and what new chemicals can be created by mixing pure substances. What a saturated or unsaturated fat really is (unsaturated fats posses a double bond)

I didn’t imagine how wide my minds has opened to new ideas and new things, plus how malleable my mind is with receiving information and putting it to use in and out of school.

I’m proud of myself, and I’m really excited to keep going.

Don’t Make The Same Mistakes

To be honest, when the time came to have to see this person, I couldn’t bring myself to. 

There’s just something so unsexy about you that I can’t bring myself to be a part of again. There’s something totally pussyfied, like kind of a beta bitch, it’s a downgrade from even William. I couldn’t do it. 

We’re two different people on two different roads.  There’s something overtly feminine about you, and yes, I know, I don’t like those kinds of descriptive words. But I don’t know how else to describe it. 

I really didn’t want to sleep with anyone. I just couldn’t really see myself sleeping with you, especially. It was weird, there was a reason why this didn’t work in the first place. 

At the end of the day I see myself so above you. It’s bad; I’m an asshole, but I just can’t see myself making the same mistakes again and again. It’s like walking backwards into a null space.

I’m retarded when it comes to feelings. Half the time these feelings I feel are not even real, they are a reaction. 

I have trained my brain to react to an intellectual feeling, the type that I’ve felt for Jor. Ahhh that…is dangerous. But  is seemingly worthwhile.

The Bittersweet Last Day

My last final is in the bag, and I’m kinda sad…

School was like a vacation to me, and I had the best teachers this semester. I had two teachers who volunteered a letter of recommendation for me, and teachers who push me to distinguish myself, like entering my writing in competitions.

I went to see Professor Bell in his office yesterday and we talked, he was asking me questions and such.

He asked why, being as intelligent and and naturally bright, why did I wait to go to school now…

My answer purely is… I wasn’t ready until now. I wasn’t focused and of course it’s a little more difficult, I’m not working as much as I should to pay all my bills, school has become the most important thing to me. I’m just focused. 100%. 

Especially with the awesome group of professors I had this semester. I’m excited for the rest of the years.

I’m a little empty how that school is done though. 😦

He’s Such a Sweetheart 

Although he may be a little jealous, nervous, inexperienced, and young… he’s fucking adorable! He’s really cute, like seriously. He’s absolutely intelligent. He’s not very exciting though. And he’s unable to put his foot down. 

So I told him about my plan to go to the city after finals and told hiM I would drive down with my car, Frank. So he recommended that I use his car since it’s more durable, although it uses A LOT more gas. But he asked what I was going for, and when I’d be back, and I, like the fucking overly honest person that I am told hiM that I was going to see an old friend. 

Now, he isn’t a completely assertive person so he asked, “who’s your friend?” And I told him the friends name indicating that this friend was a male. His expression basically changed and he looked really upset. He started coming up with reasons why it would be better for me to stay here for the weekend instead of going down there and although some of them were pretty dead-on. None of them were seemingly the truth. I got the picture that he ultimately changed his mind on allowing me to use his car. 

What bothers me is how upset he seemed about the idea of me spending time with a guy. He and I aren’t really serious. I’m his first kiss ever, but I wasn’t sure if he really took it serious. I didn’t really take it serious. I don’t know. 

I can’t say that I have any feelings whatsoever about the guy I was going to visit. But I can say that novice’s emotional expressions did strike a cord with me. I started to feel bad.

Ok, so he’s no Arthur, but I don’t know… I think he deserves to be treated well.

I Hate My Job

I’m a person who has a chronic illness, who is dealing with strife in my home country and the fear that my family members are being affected by it; a person who is going through finals, and working at a tyrannical dead-end job. It seems as if no one can put themselves in my shoes and understand the pressures I go through on a daily basis. keeping my blood sugar regulated and taking injections to ensure that I don’t die is not something that is easy. Doing well in school and not settling for a B so I don’t have to stay at this dumbass job. yet having to go to work to be critiqued on the pace of my work when I’m not at 100% and have a lot I am dealing with. The only way out is to excel at school and that is something that is not as innate in a 27 year old as it is in an 18 year old. I have my goals set in stone and they will be achieved. All the haters and complainers can talk to me when they come to get psychiatric treatment from me in 7-9 years, and yes, you will call me Dr. Fatima Gaye.

I have an inability to settle for less than I believe I deserve. This is not a positive thing because in my brain, I just can’t contend with having to deal with a person who doesn’t posses the qualities I look for. 

Honestly, my problem is that I want Artie, and there isn’t two Arties. Through out everything, all his falls and missteps and idiot decision making, there is something inherently golden within his soul that draws me to him.

I think this is what is called the feeling of finding your soulmate. Although my feelings may or may not be reciprocal, I cannot deny them, and I can admit that if I don’t find someone who does to me what he does, I will more than likely spend the rest of my life alone.

I continuously compare, even if subconsciously, how whatever man I’m seeing at the time levels up with the qualities I adore in Artie. To date, I haven’t found one real contender.

Whenever he pops up, I just have a fluttery feeling within my body that goes insane. Before I wasn’t quite able to control it, but being in love with him for almost 6 years, I’ve gotten used to how I act and what I give up when I allow the feelings to take over, so I’m a little more demure.

I can truly say that I don’t believe that I will ever come in contact with a man that makes me feel quite the way that he does.

Sex & Society

Western society has its little customs that are all encompassing, everyone believes this, and if you don’t… you’re a fucking weirdo.

Men can be open about their sexuality, but a woman can’t even speak on it or they’re labeled a whore. A man can have as much sex as he wants and flaunt it, but if a woman talks about her sexual activities in the presence of men, and she has a lot of it, she’s a slut.

Why the double standard? Why are women held on these standards that men can’t even attain? 

Personally, in my ambiguous nature, I will say that when I’m with my friends, who are mostly men, I talk about sex. If he shares a story, why the fuck can’t I? 

It’s socially unacceptable, but I like sex. Sex is fun; it’s enjoyable. So fuck you, I can talk about it openly and I will have no qualms about it, Bitch.

If that makes me a slut, i feel sorry for you and your outlook on sex. Yes, of course, being timid and non confrontational is a feminine quality… for betas.

I’m a total alpha. I’m a leader. I need to be in charge. I am in charge. If I feel you are wrong or stupid, I’m going to say something. If you don’t like it, you can eat my African pussy from the back. And toss my fucking salad while you’re back there.

Men are intimidated by a woman who takes charge. A woman who is an alpha scares them because societally, they’re supposed to be in charge. If that scares you, you have bigger problems than a bossy woman. Your masculinity is probably the problem.

Dear women,  for the life of me, please don’t extenuate these stereotypes of a quiet woman who does whatever her man says. Get a mind of your own. Speak on your opinions. A woman like me gets the label of “ambiguous” because I do speak up on my opinions and how I feel. I’ll always do that. 

He’s Back

He’s back.

I must stop myself from wanting him completely.

Why why why why why?!?!

So after finals, I will be driving down to NYC to visit Stephen. That’s what I need to do. I need to get away from K and Arthur… and record music and get drunk or something. Yes. That’s what the fuck needs to happen.

God fucking damn it.

Gender.

So lately I’ve been doing a lot of research into gender and was introduced to a gender spectrum that includes non-binary people.

I find it fascinating how One could genuinely believe that they were born in the wrong body, since I couldn’t really wrap my head around it or understand it…

Then… this morning at the gas station I held a door open for an Older gentleman, mind you, I was dressed overtly feminine. I had a crop top and leopard print leggings on. The only ambiguous thing I had on were maybe my shoes and my jean jacket. This man called me “a wonderful gentleman” and I just felt really unsure about my outfit choice and why he would think that I was a male…

Then, I quickly realized that this is how transgender or non binary people feel ALL THE TIME, constantly.

Some people believe that non-binary is not a gender identity classification, it’s a gender expression label, I don’t know how I completely feel about that. I’m sure it’s possible to feel neither man or woman. 

I took a gender spectrum test, the best one out there. It had 150 questions ranging from automobile choices, how I react to the emotions of others, my assertiveness, mathematical questions, and other “personality” questions.

I scored in the “ambiguous” range. Haha. I feel we all are ambiguous in one form or another in terms of our personalities. But is personally the same as gender?

Guess what, it is and it is not. Gender is A SOCIAL CONSTRUCTION!! Different genders don’t act a certain way, don’t have to dress a certain way, none of that. Society also changes and the characteristics Of certain genders throughout time. For instance, during the 1700’s, it was a regular thing for a man to wear a dress and tights. Who’s to say that this isn’t normal now.

It’s like a person telling a person once they are born that, “oh hey! You’re a boy, you’re going to be a police officer when you grow up.” 

Does not compute.