How Do You Know?

I’ve spoken about love, how I’m not really sure I’ve ever felt it and how positive I am that I never will feel it.

And then, I’m reacquainted with William. I’ve always had strong weird feelings towards him. I always knew I could talk to him, except the time before last (I was sure he was done with me).

This time last year, I would’ve been in NYC. Guess what? This time last year I was still talking to William. I emotionally beat him up bad. Still, he would always accept me. No matter what I had wrong or what I was going through.

This time last year, I cut my arms badly. I still obviously have those physical scars. Will rode his bike from New Paltz to Montgomery. Goddamn 40 miles, to come see me. I wouldn’t come out of my house. I regret a lot of this shit. Out of all the people I know outside of extended and immediate family, he’s been the only one really who’s been there looking out for me when ever I’ve needed him.

Now, he (I’m not a fucking mind reader but it seems he) couldn’t give a shit about my flaws. He accepted them and saw them as a part of me. I couldn’t do the same because I was really immature. 

I can honestly say within the past two years, he’s been my shoulder to cry on when I needed him. Only a person who loves you will listen to that bullshit. 

Only a person who loves you will allow you to come into their lives even though they are angry with you.  Only a person who loves you will not judge your indiscretions, even when it hurts and it would be easier to walk away. 

It’s crazy. I feel so dumb when I think back. It hurts, it’s probably hurt him even more which makes me feel even worse.

I know he’ll always be in the back of my mind. I’ll always think of him and how good we could’ve been, if I don’t try and fuck up horribly.

I’m trying now. I’m trying so hard. In the back of my mind, I’m excited, but it’s limited. One dumb action can crumble everything. I know this, I’m on my p’s & q’s.

I feel some type of way. I won’t allow myself to be crushed.

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