Sometimes I think of the division I’ve had between my parents and my friends in the past and how much I defended my friends in my parents eyes even after my parents warned me that these aren’t the people I should spend my time around.
Still, being an idiot, I joined them in ruckus partying and ignored my parents warnings. Now I’m feeling guilt.
I’m always feeling guilty. Of the time I’ve wasted not listening to the people that love me and the time I wasted with people who couldn’t give a shit.
I can’t really change it but to be better. Which I’m trying everyday to do. And to show my parents that I love them and that they have guided me out of my blackhole of a past.
Some of my experiences have woken me to being able to see how horrible Caucasians have been to me in my life. Which is why I choose to be around them sparingly.
This, I guess, makes me a racist. Although I don’t see them all as bad people. But a huge percentage of them are.
Am I doing better by viewing them in this way? Absolutely. In mind, body and spirit. And getting closer to my culture and heritage is allowing me to be a cleaner human being.
Will I ever get over the horrible guilt I feel? Probably not. But I’m going to try anyway. Once my parents can be proud, then I can rid myself of the guilt I have. But right now, I’m not shit. And no one should really want to be near me anyway.