Being Judged

I’ll admit that some of my statements on white folks are generalizations. And generalizations are wrong. And it’s kind of hypocritical. 

When I say “white people” I’m not really speaking on ALL whites. But most whites that I have come across. Especially lately when I’ve taken the blinders off.

In the past, I’ve defended white ignorance. I’ve given white people the benefit of the doubt. I almost really didn’t want to believe that they would judge me based off the amount of melanin I have in my skin. I think of it this way, white supremacists HATE anyone who isn’t of Aryan decent. Black supremacists, are there as a defense mechanism. I’m not about to sit here and say that black supremacists don’t hate white people. Trust me, they do. But their reasons as remarkably different. Black Supremacists don’t hate white people because they are white. Rather, they hate white people because they hate us, they’ve persecuted us and they’ve separated themselves from us and left us with the bottom of the barrel.

Back in the day… we were made to feel subhuman. So now all of a sudden I’m supposed to buy into the fact that race isn’t an issue? It’s a total issue. And It’s only an issue because we don’t talk about it.

So recently, I’ve realized that I was in some sort of denial. Just from the move I’ve made at work. The way I’ve looked at things. I gave white people the benefit of the doubt and I’ve done that because most of my life, I’ve been around white people and grown up with them. I didn’t look at them as WHITE people, I just looked at them as people.

I realised… unfortunately, it’s not the same for me. When I am described by a white person, I’m described as the short BLACK girl. Yet if I were to describe Britney Spears or something I wouldn’t use the word white. I would say the blond medium height girl. Why is my skin color a definition of who I am?

Because I’ve allowed it to be.

So when these things came to light for me, I made some promises to myself:
1. I am now going to look at white people the way they look at me. (By their color)
2. I am not going to get closer to my heritage and my people.
3. I am going to make a more concerted effort to date, be around and hang out with more black/colored men. (less white boys; there aren’t many pickings)

I mean, it’s tough. I realized that I have looked at black men in a stereotypical way and allowed myself to be a novelty to these white boys. (This makes me feel dirty inside; and I wonder why I’m depressed). 2016, I’m finding myself. I’m digging into my roots. I’m going to love myself more and love my people and more. I’m going to put myself in a place that I can be closer to more of my people. This isn’t hate. I hate no one. But I want to show that I love my people a whole lot more.