I guess this all started with the bus driver. We were talking about cops and I was saying how much I didn’t like the cops because they tend to target blacks.
That’s when the white bus driver seemed to get defensive. He said that not all cops are like that and that I know he’s not a racist but “they” are shooting each other all over Newburgh. and that’s why “they” are being targeted. He was talking to me almost like I was one of his old white friends. I just kept my mouth shut.
Although I was slightly offended, I wasn’t mad enough to start arguing. Plus, Any argument I could start would end in the bus driver repeating that he isn’t a racist and I should “know” that he isn’t a racist because if he was a racist, he wouldn’t be talking to me.
Maybe I put all cops in one category and that was bad. But he also put all of us (black people) in a category and that made me look at all of them (white people) differently as a whole.
More and more I realize that all white people are racist. Even if only a tad bit. All white people look at me as different. All white people look at everyone who isn’t white differently. White people (as a whole) think of me (as a black person and not as FATIMA) as dumb and not as capable as them. Even if they think I’m different, they’re totally judging me against other black people which means they’re judging black people (as a whole instead of individually).
I’ve tried to keep an open mind since we moved to the boonies 15 years ago. I’ve tried my best to fit in although when I first moved, I realized I was different from everyone else. I actually think that I have a lot of things in common with white people. (All people) But I just can’t pretend like I can stand their stuck up and uppity ways anymore.
White people (the one’s I’ve come across) are pretty judgmental people, although there are some that are different. Just like how I could be construed as different from other blacks.
I’ve been a traitor for 8 years. Acting like a house nigga sleeping with these white men. I gross myself out when I look in the mirror and reflect on it all. But since I’m “different”, black guys don’t like me. White guys look at me as a notch on their bedpost. “LIKE OMG DUDE I JUST FUCKED THIS REALLY HOT BLACK CHICK WHO’S PRETTY HOT FOR A BLACK CHICK”
I’ll be fucking damned.
Basically, I’m on my P’s & Q’s. I’m going to be a little less blah about this. Because racism is a topic that white people (as a whole) try to pass over like it’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal to them because no one’s judging them and no one is racist towards them. But when I complain about this, I’m pulling the race card and starting something that doesn’t really need to be brought out.
I’ve tried to just let it go. I’ve held it in. I’ve tried to not see white people as a whole but as individuals. Just like I would want them to see me. At the end of the day, going about it in that way is my own ignorance. Me being a house nigga and a coon. It’s me wanting to see the good in people. I just can’t anymore. I’m not black enough for blacks and I will NEVER be white enough for whites. In the end, I’m just me. That’s the way I want to be seen. But maybe, I should take a page out of the book and just look at people as groups instead of individuals. Since that’s the way I’m being done.