O’Hallow

So today I saw this girl with a beard drawn on her face and she was visibly gay (so I kept staring at her thinking, she must be cross dressing. Wow she would make a pretty good man. Should I act like I can’t tell or… )but I didn’t notice I stared long. I think she thought she needed to tell me that that was her Drake costume. I almost forgot it was Halloween. Wow. I need to stop smoking pot.

Happy Halloween.

Here’s A Tip: #144 Just Chill

Here’s A Tip:

So there’s this hottie and you really want to smoke a blunt with them,  they say sure whatever but you don’t hear back (maybe they had plans) so you send a text, you ask what’s up and they respond that they’re a little busy, maybe you can meet up tomorrow.

Tomorrow of course isn’t good enough and you ask about later on to which you don’t  receive a reply.

The reason they don’t reply is because you need to just chill. One rule (the main rule) about hanging out is let the girl set the hours. If you’re too pushy, you’ll turn her off. It appears thirsty in 7 different ways. Like middle of the Nirobi desert thirsty. 

So take a huge deep breath, smoke that fatty and allow her to make plans with you. Even if she doesn’t, it’s her loss.  It’s a new day and age and something’s are worst than your mother’s biggest turn off.

/keepitcooldowhatyoudo

Suicide

Suicidal thoughts are super impulsive. I have them sometimes. I’m not going to lie. I had them the other day. But in the back of my head, I would never do it. I couldn’t ever do it.  Because there’s so many what if’s that I have yet to answer and I cant depart before they are answered. (That’s hope or something like it) I’m getting impatient. And I keep making similar mistakes. 

I was talking to one of my friends who’s known me since the party days. He’s always saying how amazed he is of my growth. He says he can’t believe that I am in the mind frame I’m in now. He was sure that I wouldn’t want anything but Molly and a good time. We talked about all of our friends and how lonely I am because none of us really kept in touch and how I’m basically a loser loner with no friends. he says: “you grew out of them and that’s a good thing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you meet the right people, those will be your friends.”

I almost shed a tear but I kept it cool. Maybe he’s right… But I still don’t know. I don’t expect to move somewhere and gain more friends but I’m looking to move somewhere and wipe the slate clean. And have different things to do. And not be stuck inside with my bowl anymore.

Obviously that’s what I’m working on now. And I’m only going to get those things if I bust my ass so that’s what I’m trying to do. If it means it’s going to be better for me.

I Am Now

I am now considered a pharmacy technician! 

But to receive a pay raise, I have to  get certified. To do that, I need 30 days training as a pharmacy technician. But I’m technically cross training so I’m not even sure how that will work. Meh. Anxiety. 

I need to chill. 

Everything’s….

Going….

To…

Be….

Fiiiiiinnnneeee….

Here’s A Tip: #266 I’m Just Tryna Smoke My Weed (Leave My Bowl Alone)

Here’s A Tip:

Black people always look at me like “Bitch, why are you smoking a bowl?” Um, Nigga, I’m just tryna smoke my weed. You may be gangster and have $2 and enough weed to waste on a dutch but I don’t. I have to make $40 worth of weed last me two weeks. So if you can’t smoke a bowl, then don’t smoke. Nigga I’m smoking YOU up. Bring your fucking paper and put $5 on it.

Here’s the rules:

1-2 people on it: use a pipe or bong

< 2: blunt or joint 

The thing I love the most is people who don’t know how to roll but want you to roll a blunt. Way too much work, my nigga.

/pepperisagoodbowl

A New Thang Thang: Bass Drum of Death

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Ok, first of all, I will say right now that I will fuck the mother shit out of the one on the left. Like he is beautiful.

Anyway, Bass Drum of Death came to me as a recommendation on Last.fm. Fans of Wavves, Fidlar & Ty Segall. So of course I’m going to check them out. I read a little about them, Two dudes from Oxford, Mississippi (I always spell M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I out loud). Guitar Player and drummer. God I love them two man bands. They make me cum.

Bass_Drum_of_Death_(Album)
 So I tried looking and all I could find was their sophomore self-titled. I listened to it all the way through every time I listened. It’s a true garage album. Tracks: I Wanna Be Forgotten, Shattered Me, Crawling After You

After a few listens, I searched more of their shit. I saw that they played Baby’s All right in September and I was hoping they’d come back soon. That show would be so fun. A lot of pits and croud surfing to be had. If the venue allows.

GB_City_(Album)
GB City is their best album. So many fun surfy songs. It’s a little more melodic than their later two albums. The drums kick so much fucking ass. Tracks: GB City, Get Found, Heart Attack Kid

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They released their third album in 2014 and it’s called Rip This. It’s not as bad as all the eltists say but it definitely is not as good as the self titled or GB City. Tracks: Left For Dead, For Blood, Black Don’t Glow

So, if you’re going to take my recommendation and listen to Bass Drum of Death: Be ready for some Lo-fi, listen to the albums in the order that they were created (GB City first), Appreciate music made in a garage.

Open Letter.

Dear Orange County, NY, USA,
My name is Fatima and I’m growing severely bored and disillusioned with this area. I feel this way only because time and time again, it’s been proven that this place is not a place geared toward a young adult like me. 
You made your point loud and clear by knocking down our parks and building a custom old folks center. Like what the fuck type of shit is that?
Obviously, if I smoked this morning I wouldn’t be full of complaints but even your drug dealers suck. It’s crazy that it’s easier getting fucking lethal drugs than herbal ones.
…first chance I get, I’m leaving. 
/endofcomplaint.

Once I Start Driving

once I start driving, I’m just gonna wait til I get my taxes, get my ass a beater and get the fuck out of here.

My driving test is soon. I won’t say when. I don’t want to jinx myself.

This area sucks because I have two drug dealers and they both suck. One of them is so butthurt because I curved him that he acts like he accidently texted me about a deal he’s giving everyone and then send me another text saying “oh not you.”

I suppose he was expecting me to respond mad or something but I don’t give a fuck. I’ll pay top price if I want to smoke. I never told him I wanted to hang out with him. I actually told him that I didn’t want to have sex. That didn’t deter him. He has a child and he’s my brothers age (22) like do I look like a child?

Ok, that was a horrible question. But no. Hell the fuck no.

This other drug dealer is a proven snake. So I can only really trust him as far as I can throw him. If you don’t have shit, say that. Don’t say you’ll meet me and then come up with an excuse. That shits annoying.

When You Feel

When you feel like you’re only something to pass the time, a schedule filler, it makes everything else null and void. Including the good times. This is one small reason. but one that popped up when I got a text last night.

It pretty much invalidates everything. It’s like… fuck! Ok, we eat good. Fuck good. We have a lot of fun. But does this mother fucker actually care about me as a person? Something more than a fuck rag being dragged and dropped in his tightly scheduled datebook? Like fuck that. I’m much more than that. At least, I can say that I didn’t see him that way. I saw him as a nice guy with a bunch of budding talent and someone I could possibly learn something from.

Trust me, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that maybe I should hang out with non-college graduates that don’t really care if I graduated or not. Or where I work and what I do. I honestly really felt as if maybe he was embarrassed being around me because I don’t have a career and I didn’t go to school like his other friends and I am black. I’m just going to put it out there.

It’s not hard for me to know that I’m not wanted. I get it. Pretty well. You can’t just act like I’m not wanted and one day decide you’re horny and you want to fuck. You were a good fuck but not that good. I can find something like that closer to home.

In this point, I need a different kind of friend I guess. More than the sex, someone I can be dumb around. Make mistakes around. Be me around and not have to feel like I’m doing something wrong. Or that I’m “freaking out”. Because I’m not some uppity cracker you typically spend your time with. That’s why I can’t. That’s why it was good while it lasted and that’s the way I want to remember it. You should always feel good when you’re around others. If you don’t feel good, you shouldn’t be around those people.

Somethings are just better at arms length. Not really trying too hard to bring it closer. Disappointment is an emotion I try to avoid at all costs. I just don’t want to be disappointed by you. It’s not at all worth it to me. And this is the last time I will directly talk about this. I feel like anything else maybe will hurt some feelings and I don’t want that. because I do still like this person. I would like to still be friendly but now I just don’t know how that can be. Everything just went bad. And our communication just was not good. I will miss him. He’s not a bad guy. I just don’t think he knows what he wants and he comes off looking bad. To me.  Hopefully, he’ll realize this and change. Or continue… I don’t know. But, either way, I know I’m going to try and change. Stop doing the stupid shit I’ve done and the stupid way I’ve acted in the past. And just be happy. For once. Finally a lot of things are happening for me. If people are there to congratulate me, great. If not, that’s fine too. 

I’m just trying to be the best Fatima I can and not have any negative emotions.

No Jinx

I always get anxious hanging out with hot people. Not even really hot people. New people.

I haven’t told a soul about whatever plans. They aren’t very concrete. And I have my period. It better be gone by Friday or I’m screeewwwedd. 

Mother Nature, I really think you hate me.

Here’s A Tip: #5 Never Put Up a Down Payment Before You Know What’s Really Good, My Nigga

Here’s A Tip:

We’ve talked a lot about how important sex is in a relationship. Obviously. You have to have that in a relationship. No fucking doubt. So let’s say you’re trying to get with a bitch or get with a guy (yes, guys do this too. This has happened to me) and they want to wait to have sex until you’ve made some kind of commitment to them… For real…

There’s only two reasons why someone would make this play and it’s either 1. They suck in bed or have some other weird sexual dysfunction that causes them to not be able to perform and they don’t want to be dumped for it so maybe they’ll try and win you over “personality wise” or 2. They only want you (in a relationship) as some kind of a show off prize but honestly, I think the reason is always the former.

Don’t ever make a down payment on a ride you haven’t even test drove yet.

That’s just silly…

/yourbropackin’

Loving Self Hating Others

Even though my parents readily know that I haven’t seriously dated a black man in all of my years of dating, they’re still trying to “arrange” something.

I’m sure they hope I grow out of this phase. I’m not sure if it’s a phase. I’d like to think that I’m just not in a place that I can find a nice black man. You know, one that can be normal…

In the back of my mind, I think I’ll always secretly want a white guy. Even if I am with the most strapping lad of a black man. I wish I could say why. White boys are hot. And I’m not a self hater by any means.